Recollection

Recollection - Edward Chiu

It has been a while.

"All by myself" has become a rarity. I remember this as part of the
lyrics of a pop song. Sometimes when I am alone I am actually
surrounded by "stuff" - random thoughts, bizzaire flashes, noise. It
has become more and more difficult to find real seclusion.

The Prince of Peace Abbey is an interesting place. It is a Catholic
monastery meaning monks live here. It has been quite an experience to
spend time here as a retreatant. I expected that this place would be
complete solemn and quiet. Contrary to my thoughts it is not. Perhaps
it's proximity to a small airport there are times that noisy engines
would cause disruptions. Some retreatants would converse fairly loudly
- in Korean! I was a bit shocked to see a lot of Asian faces. "Welcome
to California!"

I was shown around by a lady after getting here at around 9:30am. She
was friendly and courteous. The monastery is located on a hundred plus
acre site! Later on I put stuff in my room. I was told that my room
and the adjacent ones are newly built. The room is clean.

I started my adventure shortly afterwards and I went to the library.
It does not have a huge collection.

I attended a Mass (Eucharist) at 11am. As I am not a Catholic I felt
a bit out of place. I did not follow all the standing and kneeling. Of
course I did not participate in the Holy Communion. In fact, after
attending the Mass in the morning I thought I would not be going to
more services because I did not feel the spirit and joy at all.

After the Mass I went to the cafeteria where the snacks, coffee, tea,
cereals, etc are served 24 hours. The meals however are served at
fixed hours - 7:30am, 12noon, and 6pm. Each meal starts with prayers.
At lunch they served green salads, lettuce, tomato, two flavors of
cheese, turkey, and bread. People are welcomed to have seconds.

After lunch I went for a walk. I strolled through the cemetery. The
lady who gave me a tour told me that the monks spend their entire life
here and when they die they are buried right here. It is a garden
setting. They do not have tombstones. Instead each buried has an
erected wooden cross with the name, year born, and year passed away -
and no more information. Nothing about their hometown or what they
did. I was a bit disappointed. But now I think it makes sense because
each of them followed the calling and disposed of their past long time
ago. So the hometown is a non-issue. As for what they did, they all
committed their lives to Christ. Writing them out would seem to be
redundant and a bit silly.

There is a "prayer walk" next to the cemetery. It is actually a huge
back country setting with unpaved walkway and trees. I tried to pray
to God while walking. I asked God for directions in my life. I then
started to confess my sins. I recollected the 37 years of my life and
how God guided me for each major milestone. I realized that I am not a
lovable person. As I recalled how God love me without reservations, I
broke down in tears. I could not stop crying. I am still not sure if
these are tears of joy or guilt. But I loved it. It was like a lovely
father embracing me. It was the Holy Spirit that woke up my soul. It
caused thunders within my mind and the tears were like heavy rain
drops. I was not fast enough to wipe them off. I prayed for
forgiveness. I prayed for His guidance so that I could be a better
person - one with God's image, shepard's heart, and full of love and
patience. I find myself too self-centered. I want to love God more. I
want to love my wife more. I want to love my kid more. I want to love
my parents and sisters more. I want to love my extended family members
more. I want to love my brothers and sisters more. I want to love my
friends more. I want to love people more! How can I serve the Lord if
I don't love? How can I serve if I don't have patience? How can I? I
suddenly found myself not worthy to serve. But I know He wants me to.

I wanted to look up to see my path ahead but could not. Perhaps due to
the tears or the bright sun, I had to put my head down. I saw
footprints on the trail. It seems that God wants me to follow Him step
by step. Though the path is unclear, I just need to follow his
footprints as the path would eventually lead me to His destination.

The walk was a powerful experience.

I went back to my room afterwards.

After dinner and a long walk, I decided to attend the Compline
(another Mass or service). I bowed my head down and tried to listen to
the organ music and chanting. I purposefully did not follow any
rituals. I sometimes even closed my eyes. That experience overall was
better. It was soothing and relaxing.

Today's experience was more than "all by myself". Indeed I had a walk
with God. I look forward to more walks like this.

For the pics: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=46604&l=9dff9&id=725674997